And although it wasn’t bad, it got me thinking that night. I was talking to my family about it and I said to my mom “At least I’m not dead.”

Funny how a few months ago I was thinking “I wish I was dead.”

Don’t know if it’s starting to work or if I’m just in between slumps. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Apparently they have no “spark”.

I’ll have to work on that. I’ll find a way to fake it like I always do.

This song that used to make me feel better no matter what, no longer has that effect. The song could make me stop crying even if I was in the middle of hysterics. This song gave me hope when I was in my darkest place.

Now when I listen to it does the opposite. It makes me choke on my breath and tears fall down my face. It gives me no hope, it means nothing now.

I think I know why. Before, when the song would come on, I was trying to get better. I knew the state I was in was bad and I needed help. But now, I have no desire to get better. I’m drowning and I’m perfectly content. No longer trying to swim.

It’s like those words have been engraved in my head. I can’t stop hearing them. And when I close my eyes they’re lit up on the insides of my eyelids.