So yesterday I was in a car accident
And although it wasn’t bad, it got me thinking that night. I was talking to my family about it and I said to my mom “At least I’m not dead.” Funny how a few months ago I was thinking “I wish I was dead.”
Day 3 of Zoloft
Don’t know if it’s starting to work or if I’m just in between slumps. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Please stop it. I know it makes me a hypocrit, but...
So fucking tired.
Someone told me my eyes look dead.
Apparently they have no “spark”. I’ll have to work on that. I’ll find a way to fake it like I always do.
This song that used to make me feel better no matter what, no longer has that effect. The song could make me stop crying even if I was in the middle of hysterics. This song gave me hope when I was in my darkest place. Now when I listen to it does the opposite. It makes me choke on my breath and tears fall down my face. It gives me no hope, it means nothing now. I think I know why. Before, when...
"Her eyes just look..weak."
It’s like those words have been engraved in my head. I can’t stop hearing them. And when I close my eyes they’re lit up on the insides of my eyelids.
Friend 1: Are you alright?
Friend 2: You look like you're about to cry.
Friend 1: She doesn't look like she's about to cry, her eyes just look weak..
First fast successful
7:30 p.m. 4/15-7:30 p.m. 4/16 Bonus: I dropped to under 110
I keep having this dream..
where I’m standing there and suddenly someone barges into the room and takes me into their arms and just holds me as I cry. They don’t try to tell me it’s okay, because they know it’s not. They don’t make me say anything, they just let me sit there getting out everything I’ve been holding in. Which is a lot. They probably think they’ve seen me fall apart,...
I basically binged all week last week, since it was spring break. I felt disgusting the entire time. I’d put on a crop top and feel like a whale trying to wear clothes not made for me. I have this constant feeling of nausea and I wish I could just spend all day throwing up. I just feel sick all the time and I hate it. As soon as I got home I put my stuff in my room and ran to the bathroom to...
It's so normal now.
I go to see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks and I’m scared to death. Not because I’m afraid it won’t help, but because I’m afraid it will. I’ve been like this for so long it’s my norm. I get sad and it feels comfortable to me. In a sick way I enjoy curling up in my shower and crying until my cheeks burn from the salt. I enjoy sitting at the razor in front of me,...
I turned 18 this Saturday and it was one of the most indescribable days of my life. Aside from flying back from spring break I became an adult. Something I never thought I’d live to see. Everyone kept asking me “How does it feel to be 18?” Here’s what I didn’t say: It feels like I’m living in someone else’s life. It feels like I’m having an...
Crawling into bed at night is my favorite thing in...
All day long I have to pretend I’m happy. If I don’t, people snap at me because I’m grumpy or acting like a bitch. I’m sorry I’m such a mess, and I’m sorry you’re too self-absorbed to actually give a damn if I told you something was wrong.
I'm scared that you'll leave me or think I'm...
I feel sick.
I literally cannot eat anything without feeling nauseous afterwards, maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me “Stop eating you nasty freak!”
That moment when you realize that you have...
Calculated my BMI and found out that I’m at the bottom of the “normal weight” and the very top of “underweight”. Of course this still isn’t good enough.
I want someone to see how broken I am and actually...
No one has noticed yet, guess I'm better at hiding...
They haven’t noticed the disgusted look I have when I look at the food on the tray in front of me. Or the fact that I take mints and gum like air because the taste of food won’t leave my mouth and it makes me sick. They don’t think anything of me when I pull out my i-touch to record my calorie intake after every meal. I think E noticed something was up today at lunch, she kept...
It's gotten to the point that when people ask me...
I don’t want to lie anymore. But I can’t tell them the truth.
458 Calories over what I should have had today.
How can I lose those by the end of the night? I plan on staying up as late as I need to exercising to lose these.
So recently I've become a little obsessed with...
I love flicking on my lighter and just watching the flame. Or lighting a piece of paper on fire and watching it burn. It keeps making me think about burning my self, as a form of self harm. But every time I think of the smell of burning flesh I get sick. But maybe that’s a good thing. If I burn myself then I’ll get nauseous, which will make me throw up and lose weight. But I hate...
My thought process when my friends ditch on plans.
It’s because I’m worthless No, it’s because they’re sucky friends Actually, it’s because I’m a sucky friend To be completely honest, it’s because you’re a sucky friend and you’re worthless I need to find something to do or I’m going to kill myself.
I’m beginning to realize that high school is just one big test. More like a battle really. Designed to push every one of us to our limits just to see who’s strong enough to make it on. Only the ones most fit to go on to the real world make it to graduation while the weak ones struggle along being ripped to shreds until they finally die. The are a few weak ones who are lucky enough to...
I think I’ve officially lost it. What it is, I don’t exactly know. What I do know is that when I lost it it felt like my insides were burning and then all of sudden they felt like they’d melted or something. I wonder if anyone will notice something’s different about me..
I want people to stop asking me what's wrong, and...
It seemed like things were looking up.
Things with my friends were great. I was enjoying my senior year. I got accepted to my dream school. I was happy. Then it started going down hill.. I started feeling lonely again. I started having more bad days. I realized my dream school was just that, a dream. It wasn’t going to happen. My mom thinks she understands why I want to go there so badly but she’s got it wrong. But...
I wrote a note in case I don't make it through the...
It seems pathetic and not nearly good enough but it’s the best I can do at this point.
Cut again. Have honestly never felt so absolutely...
I don’t know what’s happening. The only thing keeping me from grabbing the broken razor sitting on my shelf is the fact that my fingers are busy typing this. I feel like if I stop nothing will stop me from reaching for it and doubling the amount of scars I already have healing on my hips. It’s not because I want to kill myself, it’s just that I want to punish myself....
I'm sorry I'm so confusing. I'm surprised I have...
Most of you probably don’t actually care. You either see my posts and laugh at the pathetic girl, or simply just keep forgetting to unfollow this blog.
What do I do when everything I do is a mistake? I never do anything right and even when I’m not doing anything people get mad at me? I’ve been sick the past couple of days and my friends all say I’ve been acting like a bitch, sorry I feel like crap and just wanted to go home.. I don’t feel at home here anymore. I feel like a visitor who has outstayed their welcome. Like...
Sorry I've been neglecting this.
But I’ve been feeling so great lately. Like, better than I did before the depression. I’ve been enjoying my life and haven’t felt the need to vent about anything. Now there’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. A while ago I made the decision to go away for college, to get away from the constant reminders of my shitty past and start anew. I’ve...
I was driving home from up north with my dad one...
So I'm realizing that being happy doesn't just...
It’s not always rainbows and daisies everyday. Sometimes you have to work for it. It would be much easier to just succumb to the stress and worries of life, it would be so simple to just let it all drowned you. But who wants easy? Going through depression has taught me that happiness is not something that should be taken for granted, it’s something that should be cherished. Being happy...
i-totes-just asked: Be happy that that person isn't there to create more issues in your life. Become aware that the person you are going to end up being friends with for the rest of your life is out there thinking the same thing. "I need new friends" Just take this as a sign. A sign to go ahead and take the first step in finding that person. This is the perfect time to say hello to some one you've...
Sometimes, all I really want is for someone to...
Lately I've been doing better. I'm not suicidal...
Then why am I sitting in the bottom of my closet blaring Jack’s Mannequin and crying hysterically?
I'm going insane.
Every breath I take brings me that much closer. Everytime I look around and see that I’m still in this God forsaken place I feel myself cracking just a little bit more. My friends know I hate it here, even my best friend “understands”. But not really. No one truly knows the extent of what this place is doing to me. They don’t know how much utter hatred I have for this...
112.6 So close.
I hate everyone and I'm tired of pretending I...
I really hate the way my body looks. And I hate that I can’t confide with anyone because my friends will just say “What are talking about?! You’re like a twig!” Yes. I know I look skinny…to you, but when I look at my stomach in the mirror I see this flap hanging over and I’ve got this disgusting gut that makes me look even more hideous than my horrid face...