This song that used to make me feel better no matter what, no longer has that effect. The song could make me stop crying even if I was in the middle of hysterics. This song gave me hope when I was in my darkest place.
Now when I listen to it does the opposite. It makes me choke on my breath and tears fall down my face. It gives me no hope, it means nothing now.
I think I know why. Before, when the song would come on, I was trying to get better. I knew the state I was in was bad and I needed help. But now, I have no desire to get better. I’m drowning and I’m perfectly content. No longer trying to swim.
where I’m standing there and suddenly someone barges into the room and takes me into their arms and just holds me as I cry. They don’t try to tell me it’s okay, because they know it’s not. They don’t make me say anything, they just let me sit there getting out everything I’ve been holding in. Which is a lot.
They probably think they’ve seen me fall apart, lose it, and know everything going on in my head. They don’t. No one does because I don’t even know. There’s so much buzzing around up there and I’m afraid if I tell them the worst of it I’ll lose them.
They’ll see the real me and book it as fast as they can.
I basically binged all week last week, since it was spring break. I felt disgusting the entire time. I’d put on a crop top and feel like a whale trying to wear clothes not made for me. I have this constant feeling of nausea and I wish I could just spend all day throwing up. I just feel sick all the time and I hate it. As soon as I got home I put my stuff in my room and ran to the bathroom to way myself. Back up to 115. It’s like I’m cursed. I lose the weight and get so to where I want to be and then the next thing I know I’m right back to where I started or worse. I had dinner at 7:30 today. I’ll have my first meal since then at 7:30 tomorrow. But hopefully I’ll be able to go longer. I’ll find some way to do it.
I go to see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks and I’m scared to death. Not because I’m afraid it won’t help, but because I’m afraid it will.
I’ve been like this for so long it’s my norm. I get sad and it feels comfortable to me. In a sick way I enjoy curling up in my shower and crying until my cheeks burn from the salt. I enjoy sitting at the razor in front of me, tempting myself to do it again.
I turned 18 this Saturday and it was one of the most indescribable days of my life. Aside from flying back from spring break I became an adult. Something I never thought I’d live to see.
Everyone kept asking me “How does it feel to be 18?”
Here’s what I didn’t say:
It feels like I’m living in someone else’s life. It feels like I’m having an out-of-body experience. In complete honesty I never thought I’d make it to 18, and now that I have it’s like the world is throwing together every second of my day because it hadn’t prepared for it. Like “Oh crap she’s still alive! Well I guess we’ll just make it up as we go!”. I know it’s only been 2 days and maybe things will change. But right now, I walk around and feel like I’m just taking up space. Like I’m not supposed to be here so the universe is just floating me along.
No one has noticed yet, guess I'm better at hiding this than I thought..
They haven’t noticed the disgusted look I have when I look at the food on the tray in front of me.
Or the fact that I take mints and gum like air because the taste of food won’t leave my mouth and it makes me sick.
They don’t think anything of me when I pull out my i-touch to record my calorie intake after every meal.
I think E noticed something was up today at lunch, she kept watching me while I bit tiny pieces of my pizza, which took 30 minutes for me to finish 2/3 of it. But it could have easily been because of my lack of sleep, she can’t just jump to the conclusion that I have a problem.
I’m learning how to cover up the fact that I’m not eating like I should. Learning how to eat a bit when people are around and then finding a meal to skip later to make up for it.
So recently I've become a little obsessed with burning
I love flicking on my lighter and just watching the flame. Or lighting a piece of paper on fire and watching it burn. It keeps making me think about burning my self, as a form of self harm. But every time I think of the smell of burning flesh I get sick.
But maybe that’s a good thing.
If I burn myself then I’ll get nauseous, which will make me throw up and lose weight.
But I hate throwing up, so I’ll just stick with starving myself.
I’m beginning to realize that high school is just one big test. More like a battle really. Designed to push every one of us to our limits just to see who’s strong enough to make it on. Only the ones most fit to go on to the real world make it to graduation while the weak ones struggle along being ripped to shreds until they finally die. The are a few weak ones who are lucky enough to slide under the radar and make it out of high school, but they’re so grotesquely scared by their experiences that they never quite blend into the rest of society. From there their ostracized until they do the one thing they should have done back in high school.
I realized my dream school was just that, a dream. It wasn’t going to happen.
My mom thinks she understands why I want to go there so badly but she’s got it wrong. But every time I try to explain it to her I can feel the tears come. I’m so sick of her seeing me cry that I stop talking and it ends the discussion.
I just want to be able to tell her the real reason.
I want to be able to tell her that it’s been the only thing keeping me alive the past year. Every Time I thought about killing myself I’d think “Just make it to graduation and then you’ll be off to Arizona” and that gave me the drive I needed to keep going.
But now there’s no Arizona. There’s nothing for me to hold onto. I’m terrified that the next time I feel as if I’m drowning I’m just going to let myself go
I don’t know what’s happening. The only thing keeping me from grabbing the broken razor sitting on my shelf is the fact that my fingers are busy typing this. I feel like if I stop nothing will stop me from reaching for it and doubling the amount of scars I already have healing on my hips.
It’s not because I want to kill myself, it’s just that I want to punish myself. I’m a horrible person and I don’t know what’s keeping my friends around anymore. I’m a bitch and I can’t keep my opinions to myself half the time so I sound rude. Everyone is constantly saying “Why are you so crabby today?” when I’ve done nothing crab like at all, I just hadn’t spoken. When I do talk I say the wrong thing, then when I don’t talk people think I’m grumpy. I can’t win! I should just give up because everyone would be a whole lot better off.
What do I do when everything I do is a mistake? I never do anything right and even when I’m not doing anything people get mad at me? I’ve been sick the past couple of days and my friends all say I’ve been acting like a bitch, sorry I feel like crap and just wanted to go home..
I don’t feel at home here anymore. I feel like a visitor who has outstayed their welcome. Like everyone’s just sitting around waiting for me to pack up my bags and get gone. And yeah, I want to leave and find somewhere my “home” but the one place I did feel like I belonged here was with my friends. When I’m with them I used to feel like I was meant to be there, like I fit perfectly there. But now I feel like an alien who shouldn’t be there and I just feel so completely lost I don’t know what to do. I’ve got 4 more months until high school is over and then 7 more until I leave for college but what if that doesn’t happen? So much of my recovery has been based on the hope of me finally getting away from here. Starting fresh somewhere new. But what if I don’t get accepted to any colleges and I’m stuck here? I’m almost positive that I’ll slip back into where I was a few months ago.
And before I wasn’t as worried because I figured I’d have my friends to keep me sane but now I’m not so sure and I’m just so scared I’m going to be stuck here completely alone in a place that’s literally beginning to make me crazy.
But I’ve been feeling so great lately. Like, better than I did before the depression. I’ve been enjoying my life and haven’t felt the need to vent about anything.
Now there’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. A while ago I made the decision to go away for college, to get away from the constant reminders of my shitty past and start anew. I’ve still got 6 months before that though and I’m beginning to feel like I can’t make it that long. I’m getting sad again.
And not the same kind of sad as before. Not the hopeless, exhausted kind of tired. This is the kind of sad you feel when you go on a trip for a long time and you start to think of home, when you start to miss it.
I feel like where I am now is just a trip I’ve been on and it’s time to go home. I’m homesick for a place that isn’t my home. I miss a place I haven’t ever been before.
I think it’s because I don’t belong here anymore. I know I belong somewhere and I’m dying to find that place. I’m homesick for that sense of belonging.
I was driving home from up north with my dad one night a couple weeks ago when this song came on. We had been talking the whole drive home until this song started playing. I looked over at him to see why he had stopped talking and saw that there were tears in his eyes. I knew right away why he was crying, this song hit home.
I had never felt so terrible. Sitting there with the song playing and my dad, who is one of the strongest people I know, sitting there crying made me realize how much my depression effected everyone else. I had to keep trying to get better not just for me but for the people around me. I didn’t want this song to fit my life.
So I'm realizing that being happy doesn't just come naturally..
It’s not always rainbows and daisies everyday. Sometimes you have to work for it. It would be much easier to just succumb to the stress and worries of life, it would be so simple to just let it all drowned you. But who wants easy? Going through depression has taught me that happiness is not something that should be taken for granted, it’s something that should be cherished. Being happy isn’t just an insignificant thing. True happiness is one of the most amazing things in the world and it’s worth the fight. It’s worth pushing the covers away and getting out of bed every morning. It’s worth putting down the blade and picking up the phone to call someone. Happiness can be exhausting to reach sometimes, but I’ve found that if you just keep working towards it, it can be so wonderful.
There are still going to be days when I just want to curl up in my closet and cry, and there will be times that I get so upset I’ll feel that oh so familiar urge to cut again, but I know now that if I just keep remembering how good it feels to smile and actually mean it I can get myself through those rough days. Sure bad things will happen and I’m going to hurt sometimes, but so many more good things will happen if I just keep going and wait for them to come around.
Giving in to the sadness and pain is one of the easiest things to do, but happiness is worth fighting for.
Be happy that that person isn't there to create more issues in your life. Become aware that the person you are going to end up being friends with for the rest of your life is out there thinking the same thing. "I need new friends" Just take this as a sign. A sign to go ahead and take the first step in finding that person. This is the perfect time to say hello to some one you've never taked to, or you know, meet new people. Just know that you're not alone. We're paddling in the same boat girl.
You’re right, I guess I was caught up in the fact that she thought I was such a bad friend that I didn’t stop to think that I don’t need someone like her around making me feel bad about myself. I’ve got people around me that make me feel good and that’s all I need.
Sometimes, all I really want is for someone to give me a reason to stay. I just want someone to ask me not to leave, everyone just seems so...fine with me moving across the country. Does no one want me around anymore?
Every breath I take brings me that much closer. Everytime I look around and see that I’m still in this God forsaken place I feel myself cracking just a little bit more.
My friends know I hate it here, even my best friend “understands”. But not really. No one truly knows the extent of what this place is doing to me. They don’t know how much utter hatred I have for this place. They don’t know that I have a bag packed under my bed so that whenever I feel like making a mad dash, I’ll be ready.
They think I’m going to come and visit. I won’t.
Returning to this place would be like going back to the same exact spot where you brutally beaten and stabbed after you’ve been rescued.
I really hate the way my body looks. And I hate that I can’t confide with anyone because my friends will just say “What are talking about?! You’re like a twig!”
Yes. I know I look skinny…to you, but when I look at my stomach in the mirror I see this flap hanging over and I’ve got this disgusting gut that makes me look even more hideous than my horrid face does.
I weigh myself at least 3 times a day, praying each time that the numbers stay below 115. And even when it does I still think “I could be lighter.”
When I hear someone say they weigh less than I do I want to puke, then when I think of how superficial and patheticly dumb that sounds I want to puke even more.
When I work out and I feel that burning of my muscles..it’s like a high for me. That burn means that I’m getting rid of that repulsive flab. One step closer to almost being half-way decent looking.