Dear Diary,

Photo

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:28:12 -0400

Photo

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:27:17 -0400

So yesterday I was in a car accident

Wed, 09 May 2012 20:44:58 -0400

And although it wasn’t bad, it got me thinking that night. I was talking to my family about it and I said to my mom “At least I’m not dead.”

Funny how a few months ago I was thinking “I wish I was dead.”

Day 3 of Zoloft

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 23:38:42 -0400

Don’t know if it’s starting to work or if I’m just in between slumps. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Please stop it. I know it makes me a hypocrit, but I don't care. Please, you deserve so much better than this.

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 20:40:00 -0400

Photo

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 14:07:21 -0400

So fucking tired.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 21:39:24 -0400

Someone told me my eyes look dead.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 20:37:41 -0400

Apparently they have no “spark”.

I’ll have to work on that. I’ll find a way to fake it like I always do.

This song that used to make me feel better no matter what, no longer has that effect. The song could...

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:59:47 -0400

This song that used to make me feel better no matter what, no longer has that effect. The song could make me stop crying even if I was in the middle of hysterics. This song gave me hope when I was in my darkest place.

Now when I listen to it does the opposite. It makes me choke on my breath and tears fall down my face. It gives me no hope, it means nothing now.

I think I know why. Before, when the song would come on, I was trying to get better. I knew the state I was in was bad and I needed help. But now, I have no desire to get better. I’m drowning and I’m perfectly content. No longer trying to swim.

"Her eyes just look..weak."

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 11:42:35 -0400

It’s like those words have been engraved in my head. I can’t stop hearing them. And when I close my eyes they’re lit up on the insides of my eyelids.

Friend 1: Are you alright?

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:41:41 -0400

Friend 1: Are you alright?
Friend 2: You look like you're about to cry.
Friend 1: She doesn't look like she's about to cry, her eyes just look weak..

First fast successful

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 19:41:11 -0400

7:30 p.m. 4/15-7:30 p.m. 4/16

Bonus: I dropped to under 110

I keep having this dream..

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:47:15 -0400

where I’m standing there and suddenly someone barges into the room and takes me into their arms and just holds me as I cry. They don’t try to tell me it’s okay, because they know it’s not. They don’t make me say anything, they just let me sit there getting out everything I’ve been holding in. Which is a lot.

They probably think they’ve seen me fall apart, lose it, and know everything going on in my head. They don’t. No one does because I don’t even know. There’s so much buzzing around up there and I’m afraid if I tell them the worst of it I’ll lose them.

They’ll see the real me and book it as fast as they can.

24 hours.

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:47:53 -0400

I basically binged all week last week, since it was spring break. I felt disgusting the entire time. I’d put on a crop top and feel like a whale trying to wear clothes not made for me. I have this constant feeling of nausea and I wish I could just spend all day throwing up. I just feel sick all the time and I hate it. As soon as I got home I put my stuff in my room and ran to the bathroom to way myself. Back up to 115. It’s like I’m cursed. I lose the weight and get so to where I want to be and then the next thing I know I’m right back to where I started or worse. I had dinner at 7:30 today. I’ll have my first meal since then at 7:30 tomorrow. But hopefully I’ll be able to go longer. I’ll find some way to do it.

It's so normal now.

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:42:38 -0400

I go to see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks and I’m scared to death. Not because I’m afraid it won’t help, but because I’m afraid it will.

I’ve been like this for so long it’s my norm. I get sad and it feels comfortable to me. In a sick way I enjoy curling up in my shower and crying until my cheeks burn from the salt. I enjoy sitting at the razor in front of me, tempting myself to do it again.

Being happy terrifies me.

18

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:39:37 -0400

I turned 18 this Saturday and it was one of the most indescribable days of my life. Aside from flying back from spring break I became an adult. Something I never thought I’d live to see.

Everyone kept asking me “How does it feel to be 18?”

Here’s what I didn’t say:

It feels like I’m living in someone else’s life. It feels like I’m having an out-of-body experience. In complete honesty I never thought I’d make it to 18, and now that I have it’s like the world is throwing together every second of my day because it hadn’t prepared for it. Like “Oh crap she’s still alive! Well I guess we’ll just make it up as we go!”. I know it’s only been 2 days and maybe things will change. But right now, I walk around and feel like I’m just taking up space. Like I’m not supposed to be here so the universe is just floating me along.

I don’t know. It’s just weird I guess.

Crawling into bed at night is my favorite thing in the world.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:52:22 -0400

All day long I have to pretend I’m happy. If I don’t, people snap at me because I’m grumpy or acting like a bitch.

I’m sorry I’m such a mess, and I’m sorry you’re too self-absorbed to actually give a damn if I told you something was wrong.

I'm scared that you'll leave me or think I'm crazy. But then again, I think I'm a little crazy anyway..

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 20:30:46 -0400

I feel sick.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 20:28:02 -0400

I literally cannot eat anything without feeling nauseous afterwards, maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me “Stop eating you nasty freak!”

That moment when you realize that you have completely lost yourself. The face you show everyone is just a memory of the person you think you used to be.

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:02:17 -0400